Time After Time

Some people picture me
I seem to be far ahead
They call to me
I can't hear what they've said
They say--you're there
I know the truth
Oh how I envy you

If you're lost
You can look
But you won't find me--
I am lost too

If you fall
I can't catch you
I wish I could wait--
But I'm down by you

When the book is open
And the pages separate
You'll see the scrawling
And know the confused puzzling
Certain darkness
That makes me blind
The lies remain so tight

Time after time

Things I Am Certain Of

1.

Library Lady

Context: the other day I was at the front desk of the library, checking out my books and picking up some items that I'd requested. I received a notification earlier that they were available for pickup.

MaryAnne: "Hello."
Library Lady: takes books
M: fishes around for card
LL: stares at MaryAnne
M: hands over card
LL: scans card. "You have a fine of $2.55"
M: "I don't have any bills, but I have some change." pulls coins out of wallet.
LL: "Ugh. You don't have to pay now."
M: "No, really, I have some right here."
LL: "You don't have to pay now."
M: "Well here's a start." hands over money
LL: rolls eyes "40 cents?!! Ugh." goes to register. Sighs.
LL: scans books "Do you want a receipt?"
M: "No, but I believe I have some items on hold that are ready to pick up."
LL: "You don't."
M: "Wha . . . are you sure?"
LL: "Yes."
M: "But I--"
LL: "You don't."
M: "I recieved a noti--"
LL: "--you have no items to pick up. Do you want a receipt?"
M: "No."
LL: shoves books across counter
M: "Thank y--"
LL: "NEXT!"

Ha. I don't post this because I was mad or anything. I just wonder. Why? What made library lady do that? Ahh, the mysteries of the mind. Let's give her the benefit of the doubt. Her contacts must have been scratchy, the register sticks every time it's opened, and the computer request system is faulty. Okay, she's clear, but at the same time, is she? She's human, she makes mistakes, she has bad days, slipups. But I'm human too, do I always deserve to be treated as such. As a true equal? Do I deserve that same benefit of the doubt?

Go Figure

Checklist for Hidden Anger

• A liking for sadistic or ironic humor.


• Sarcasm, cynicism or flippancy in conversation.


• Frequent sighing.


• over politeness, constant cheerfulness, attitude of "grin and bear it".


• Smiling while hurting.


• Over-controlled monotone speaking voice


• Slowing down of movements.


• Getting drowsy at inappropriate times.


• Facial tics, spasmodic foot movements, habitual fist clenching and similar repeated physical acts done unintentionally or unaware.


• Procrastination in the completion of imposed tasks.


• Perpetual or habitual lateness.
  

Yeah, I like stumbleupon.com a lot--came across this today. I meet 12 of the 19 signs for hidden anger . . . I'm still trying to figure out what I'm secretly mad about. . .

The site also offered some helpful, safe strategies for relieving my unidentified anger, such as:

• PUNCH PILLOWS


• LIE FLAT FACE DOWN ON THE BED, SCREAM INTO THE PILLOW AND BEAT THE MATTRESS WITH YOUR FISTS.


• STAMP AROUND THE ROOM PUNCHING AIR WITH YOUR FISTS AND SAY, "I’M ANGRY" OVER AND OVER.


• WRITE A LIST OF "I’M ANGRY BECAUSE..." STATEMENTS.


• BEAT THE BED WITH A RACQUET OR BAT.


• BUY CROCKERY FROM CHARITY SHOPS AND SMASH IT IN A SAFE PLACE (BEWARE OF LYING PIECES).


• TURN UP THE MUSIC REALLY LOUDLY (INDOOR, IN CAR...) AND SCREAM OR SHOUT.


• IF YOU CAN GET TO A DESERTED BEACH OR MOUNTAIN, YOU CAN SCREAM YOU
  HEART OUT.


• DO AEROBICS, VISUALISING PUNCHING AND KICKING THE ABUSER.


• GET AGGRESSIVE WITH THE VACUUM CLEANER.


• SLAM DOORS AND POUND UP THE STAIRS NOISILY


• WRITE A LETTER TO YOUR ABUSER - TRY BEGINNING WITH "I HATE YOU".


• SPEAK OUT IN ANGER TO THOSE AROUND YOU.


• CREATE AN ANGER RITUAL EG. BURNING AN EFFIGY OF THE ABUSER.


• DANCE AN ANGER DANCE.

The Fool

No! I am not Prince Hamlet, nor was meant to be;
Am an attendant lord, one that will do
To swell a progress, start a scene or two,
Advise the prince; no doubt, an easy tool,
Deferential, glad to be of use,
Politic, cautious, and meticulous;
Full of high sentence, but a bit obtuse;
At times, indeed, almost ridiculous--
Almost, at times, the Fool.

-T.S. Eliot

I am the fool, but J. Alfred Prufrock gives me hope because he promises there is time:

Time for you and time for me,

And time yet for a hundred indecisions,

And for a hundred visions and revisions,

Before taking the toast and tea.

But I cannot believe the man who does not practice his own religion. Despite his optimism and false hope; time is short and pain is real, and I am scared--a fool indeed, of my own creation.

With Purer Intentions than to Simply Burlesque

Sometimes it's detrimental and insensitive to laugh at the misfortunes of others and oneself. However, I appreciate those who can make light of dismal situations--and those who can make the best of them.

Black Sheep are Still Sheep

If one desires to be different, isn't he just the same as everyone else?